Nerf Hockey

January 6, 2009 at 10:04 pm 3 comments

In spite of the fact that I have a Canadian boyfriend, I know next to nothing about hockey.  I know what hockey is, of course, but asking me about hockey is a lot like asking my brother about WoW. 

“Um, it’s a computer game.  With … dragons?  And elves.  And stuff.”

Yes, and hockey is a sport.  Played on ice.  With pucks.  And sticks.  And stuff.

On Saturday, I learned something else about hockey: it’s totally OP.

So we’re in Naxx 25, right?  Just cleared Arachnid and Plague wings, skipping Military for now since we only have one priest (WTB priests: Shadow or Holy!  PST!), and racing for Patchwerk … which, damn it, I’m going to have to heal on my mini-shammy because our holy paladin just got called into work.  >.<  And I so wanted to see if I could beat last week’s 3.7K dps! 

Of course, this means we’ll have no warlocks in the group, because our destrolock /gquit over some imagined loot drama (I gave Sartharion’s staff to a druid; how dare I?  Have I no class loyalty?!) and our demolock is off planning a wedding. 

Oh well.  I’ll soulstone the lone priest before I zone out, and I already dropped a well, so no one will miss me on my warlock for the 30 seconds it takes to kill Patchwerk — right?

… If only …

Apparently, somewhere, in a strange alternate universe where sports are actually relevant … there’s a hockey game going on.  And it’s kind of important to the Canadians in my guild.  Which is about half of the current raid roster, give or take a boomchicken or two.  Most are watching and WoWing, but one, a tree, decides to /afk for the trash up to Patchwerk for the last five minutes of the game.  (Something about overtime?  Yeah, I’m really not listening.  I tune out the sportstalk almost as effectively as I ignore the random train noises in raid.)

Tree goes kitty, stealths, and/afks … in the slime room.

Which is the big circular room.

Full of slimes. 

That respawn almost as soon as they die, and continue to respawn until Patchwerk is down.

Yeah, those slimes.

And did I mention they need to be killed by ranged DPS? 

And since I’m on my shaman, we’re down to one mage, one hunter and a boomchicken?

 

Slime Wipe #1:

Our raid leader (my boyfriend, who is also watching the game) calls out the usual warning: 

“All ranged on slimes; melee — stay back!” 

Me to him, on our private u2u channel:  “Um, Jef.  Rogues are melee dps, right?  So … why are they Fan of Knive-ing again?”

“…”

 

Slime Wipe #2:

“Quick rezzes!  Before the slimes respawn—”

*glub, glub*

 

Slime Wipe #3:

Hey, we managed to kill the respawning slimes and made it into the next chamber.  Go us! 

But our tree is still /afk and since I’m on my shaman, there are no warlocks in the raid to summon him safely through the slime room when he returns.

Awesome.

Suddenly, Vent erupts in cheers.  And our tree is back!  And spamming raid chat with a multiline “YESSSS–” that I am not even going to attempt to reproduce here. 

I guess that means Canada won? 

Okay, time to reclear the slime room and rescue our wayward tree.  But from the wrong side, so there’s not a whole lot of room to kite.  And we have these wide canals of deadly green goo to navigate.  And …

Chaos.  Pure chaos.

I Chain Heal my heart out, but between the slimes and the goo, I can’t keep up with the raid damage.  Grid becomes a switchboard of flickering, fading, dying lights. 

And …

… did someone just pull Patchwerk? 

 

Triumph! Kind of …

Someone DI’d the feral druid, who is now doing the bear /dance in his bubble. 

Slimes: 3, Us: 0

But who cares?  Canada won! 

“Maybe Elle should switch to her warlock for trash?” the Tankadin suggests.  “In case there are more deaths and we need to summon people in from Venomspite?”

Makes sense to me!  I park my shaman safely on the Patchwerk side of the slime room and log out.  Hop onto my warlock.

… Wait, what’s this? …

“You are not in this instance’s group” and are about to be ported to Dalaran? 

/cry

Zone out.  Zone in.

The instance recognizes me again and apologizes for its previous rejection.  We make amends.  Warm and fuzzies abound!

Wait a second.  Does this mean that when I log onto my shaman, she’ll be auto-hearthed to Dal, with no way to return to Naxxramas short of a drake flight and yet another reclear of the slime room?

Why, yes.  Yes it does.

Our (American) rogue sums it up quite nicely:

“FUCKKKKKKKK HOCKEY.”

The mage speaks up, tentatively:

“I have a level 80 warlock on another account.  Should I … ?”

Yes.  Yes!  YES!

We’re running with 24 anyway, so we can accomodate a dual-boxer.  For sure.

We reclear the slime room — with no deaths this time.  I summon his warlock, and relog.  He summons my shaman, parks his warlock in a corner, and pewpews on his mage for the rest of the fight.

Patchwerk dies. 

The slimes despawn.

The guild’s bottom rank goes from “I Wipe on Chess” to “I Wipe on Slime.”  (It was time for an update, anyway.)

Nerf hockey.

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“My guild won’t let me…” Hearthstone Malfunction!

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Karthis  |  January 8, 2009 at 2:22 pm

    Hah! Best post ever!

    As a Canadian I can attest to the fact that if you enjoy hockey, then no tournament in the world – not even the Stanley Cup playoffs – holds the hearts and minds of a Canadian more than the World Junior tournament that wrapped up on Monday. (5th straight gold for Canada – woot!)

    The game on Saturday was particularly intense – Canada was playing Russia (a huge rivalry) and the game was back and forth right from the start. Well, in the final 2m of the game Russia got the go-ahead goal and things looked grim. Thankfully Canada tied the game in dramatic fashion with 5.4 seconds left, and then went on to win in an overtime shootout.

    Of course, if you have a Canadian boyfriend then you’ve probably heard this story in vivid detail about 40 times already. =)

    BTW – personally I didn’t sign up for my guild’s raid because I knew I’d be unable to focus. 😛

    Reply
  • 2. Elleiras  |  January 8, 2009 at 4:24 pm

    “BTW – personally I didn’t sign up for my guild’s raid because I knew I’d be unable to focus.”

    Probably a wise choice, if my trainwreck of a raid was any indication. 😉

    You know, as frustrating as it was at the time for those of us who don’t know one end of a hockey stick from the other (i.e., me!), it was still some of the most fun I’ve ever had raiding. Wiping over and over again on farm content tends to irritate people, but the energy in the raid was so high (and the Canadians among us so joyfully giddy) that it really didn’t matter — and telling the story afterwards just became part of the fun.

    Last night, in raid chat:

    The Tree: “Hey, remember the time we wiped on Patchwerk because someone DI’d the tank?”
    Me: “Hey, remember the time we wiped three times to hockey?”

    hehe.

    P.S. I’m glad your team won! =D

    Reply
  • 3. The Thaddius jump should drop badges. « Fel Fire  |  January 9, 2009 at 7:01 am

    […] isn’t even the dreaded slime room, which I learned to love and fear the day Canada won the World Junior Tournament.  (Thank you, Karthis, for explaining to me the significance of the […]

    Reply

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