Posts tagged ‘Sorry Keaton’

Delusional bear is … delusional.


My boyfriend is not the most stable druid I have ever met.  As often as he teases me about drinking the “shaman water,” the truth is that he is the one who suffers from delusions.  Foremost among them is the idea (which he absolutely believes) that he is not a Hordeling at all, but rather a Night Elf druid who has somehow mastered the art of “Tauren form.” 

… and yet, for someone who is supposedly “infiltrating” the Horde (/air quotes) he has made no secret whatsoever of where his true allegiance lies.

He openly praises Elune.

He begins every new boss-fight with a heartfelt “For the Alliance!”

He steadfastly refuses to raise a paw against any Alliance adventurers he encounters out and about in the world, except in self defense (or, to his credit, my defense). 

He even /cheered when we wiped suffered a temporary setback in the Battle of Mount Hyjal, and were forced to watch Thrall fall in a blaze of Orcish glory after forgetting the Number #1 rule of raiding: don’t stand in The Bad®.  (Thrall tried to tank Azgalor in a Rain of Fire after our warrior died to an unfortunate silence.  Smart Warchief is … not so smart.  >.>)

I love my pet tank — in no small part because he doubles as a furry bear rug on those cold, Northrend nights. 

But there’s no denying it: he’s kind of crazy. 

So, really, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to  me — when we decided to roll a pair of super-secret Alliance alts on a far-flung server — that he decided to play a Draenei shaman who … (wait for it) doesn’t believe he’s a Draenei shaman.

Oh, no.  “Kiirk” thinks he’s the captain of a spaceship.  He speaks in broken monologues.  And he can’t figure out exactly why this lavendar-skinned, purple-haired Vulcan is following him around with a perpetually concerned look on her face, occasionally transforming into a long-eared shelat to protect him from mobs aliens when he becomes too preoccupied with his totems crew to cast a lightning bolt arm a phaser in his own defense.

… It’s going to be an interesting 80 levels …


March 16, 2009 at 6:38 pm 9 comments

Life after tanking …

My boyfriend — Keaton, a Feral Druid — has been a bit depressed lately by the state of his class. While some bears reported minimal armor losses or even gains post 3.0.8, he has struggled with the loss of almost 4K armor.

Although he’s still capable of main tanking raid content, he often passes MT duties to his shield-bearing counterparts, in part because our Paladin tank is easier to heal (it’s true; my Earth Shield has solo-healed our Pally through the same trash pulls in Heroic Occulus that drain a good third of my mana when Keaton is tanking), and in part because our Warrior does a full 1K less DPS in Prot gear than Keaton does in bear gear. The combination of inferior mitigation and superior DPS are slowly but surely driving him back into the OT/DPS role he fulfilled in our bygone Kara days — and after main-tanking everything in The Burning Crusade, up to and including Illidan (albeit post-nerf), I imagine that’s just a little hard to swallow.

… I’ll be honest. My first impulse was to /violin. He may have lost a fair amount of armor, but he can still tank, heal and DPS — as feral. Seriously. I’ve seen him top the healing meters, bear-specced, on Archimonde. I’ve also seen him top the damage meters, bear-specced, on Kel’thuzad.

Hybrid Envy? Hell, yes.

Besides, Warlocks — not Druids — are the Ret Paladins of Northrend. So QQ moar, fuzzball.

Of course, once I got the snark safely out of my system, I decided to be a supportive girlfriend (for once) and cheer him up!

So Druids can’t tank? So what? There are plenty of other things an enterprising bear can do with his time …

Start your own business.

Bear mounts are all the rage these days. It seems that everyone and their mother has an armored brown bear; even Warlocks and Paladins are trading in their once iconic Dreadsteeds and Chargers. Why not capitalize on the fad and offer guided bear-back tours through Northrend?

Put down some roots.

Perhaps this is the Earthmother’s way of telling you it’s time to hang up your tanking shoes and put down some more permanent roots. Adventuring was fun while it lasted, but there comes a time in every bear’s life when his armor starts to fade, his claws become dull and his growl grows ever more hoarse. Don’t fight it; embrace it! Now is the perfect time to put that Nurturing Instinct to use, sow some Living Seeds and Nourish the next generation.

Big Red … Bear?

We know that druids aren’t actually tameable … but does she? Play ignorant and let that newbie Hunter tame you for a day or two, if only to show her the ropes. Take her for a romp through the Wailing Caverns. Teach her the fine arts of chain trapping and aggro control. But whatever you do, don’t let her /roll on that spell power staff!

Assemble an army (of critters).

Not only is it an achievement, but it’s the decidedly druidic thing to do. Armed with a backpack full of Critter Bites, teleport to Moonglade (bonus points if you do it in the middle of an arena match!) to tame a veritable army. 25-critter raid on Mr. Bigglesworth, anyone?

Do some volunteer work.

How many innocent animals did you slay on the long road from Mulgore to Icecrown? If those one-eyed raptors in the Arathi Highlands are any indication, then you have some serious atoning to do. Lay down your skinning knife and join Druids for the Humane and Ethical Treatment of Animals. Save the mammoth; save the world.

Go back to basics.

Shed (or even shard) those epics and take a nice, naked frolic across the rolling plains of Mulgore. There’s no place in all the worlds quite like it. And while you may not be able to recapture your youth, you can certainly give those plainstriders something to remember.

wswild017_1024x768Take up a new hobby.

Arm yourself with your Mastercraft Kalua’ak Pole and a case of Dark Iron Ale, and journey into the wilderness of Grizzly Hills to try your paw at fishing. Just don’t forget to train before you show that Fangtooth Herring who’s boss!

If all else fails, I’ve heard that there’s a turkey shortage in Howling Fjord …

P.S. Many thanks to Keaton for letting me (ab)use his druid for this post! And yes, dear, I did remember to put his clothes back on before hearthing to Dalaran.

January 31, 2009 at 9:59 pm 4 comments


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